Fewer friends, better in your skin? The power of social minimalism

If you’re new here, you’ll quickly notice: I like talking about myself. I’m someone who enjoys exchanges and sympathizes easily. I don’t even count the number of people who have told me “Yeah, you’re my friend,” nor those who have disappointed me and with whom I’ve cut ties. Is it serious? Not really, and we shouldn’t worry too much about it.

Today, we’re going to talk a bit about social relationships.

Is your friends list really made up of friends?

Imagine your friends list on a social network. You have all these people who are your “friends,” but how many of them have shown genuine interest in you? How many know things about you? Or even, how many could tell you exactly your favorite anime when you were a child or your favorite hobby? If we did the test, 90% of these “friends” would disappear. Why?

Source BBC

It’s simple: social networks have drawn us into an infernal and totally absurd game, that of “who has the most friends?” Spoiler: as Dwayne would say in Jurassic Park, “Nobody cares.” By falling into this trap, you focus on numbers, and it brings you nothing.

But then, if this race for virtual “friends” is vain, how can we define a social relationship that makes sense? And above all, how can this distinction help us feel better in our skin?

I met someone in 2023. At first, everything was going well, we had things in common and we were starting to appreciate each other. But over time, hurtful remarks and nervous breakdowns made me realize that this relationship wasn’t meant for me. I tried to take a break, and over time, I said to myself: “Is this relationship really that important?” Comparing it with my best friend, the answer was clearly no. That’s where social minimalism takes on its full meaning.

Let’s go back to our friends list. We can classify them into several categories:

• The intimates
• The friends
• The acquaintances
• The passing people

Now, imagine the number of people in your list with whom you have deep memories. Barely 5% remember everything about you. 10% of your friends will remember certain facts, but without knowing more. 60% of your acquaintances will have a small fact about you, or even nothing at all. And for the rest, you are nothing. That’s where social minimalism is so relevant.

Social minimalism: finding balance

Social minimalism is not just a trend, but a necessity for our mental well-being and to focus on what’s essential. It’s a philosophy that encourages the quality of our social interactions instead of quantity. You see, we’re back to our friends list.

Why is it so important?

Social minimalism is crucial because it allows us to:

• Cultivate authentic and deep relationships. Often, through shared passions or deep discussions, we learn to discover each other, build strong bonds, and open our trust to engage in deep and friendly relationships. For example, I met my two best friends through a Vocaloid forum, and I’ve known them for about ten, even fifteen years. Same for another friend with whom I share the same vision of life and a passion for graphics.
• Reduce social stress and anxiety related to superficial interactions. Do you really want to invest in an interaction where the person will seek to show a certain domination, to pour out their sorrows, frustrations, and anger? Clearly not. It’s not good for you, nor for the other. And above all, it’s not up to the person to change, but up to you. A piece of advice: let this person go, because it’s a relationship that won’t go far.
• Better invest our time and emotional energy. With your closest friends, those who are like brothers and sisters, no need for long speeches to understand what the other feels. A look, a facial expression, or shared jokes are enough. It’s an excellent investment in your social relationship, because you understand each other. Knowing your friend’s sensitivities is essential; if you know them, you’ve won, because they will follow you.
• Foster more meaningful and lasting connections. This is one of the most important reasons. These are the relationships where you will share the most sincere things and that will last. If you have a friendship that has lasted for more than 10 years, cultivate it, talk about your passions, your sensitivities, maintain it. Every attention counts. If you don’t feel well, don’t worry: if the relationship is well cultivated, your friend will always have that little attention like “Don’t worry, here’s a funny image to cheer you up.”

Why I adopt social minimalism

If I adopt this way of thinking, it’s for several reasons:

• Identify the relationships that truly nourish us. Yes, as I said, cultivating a friendship is clearly that. Every day, you will learn more with healthy relationships. How many times has my best friend talked to me about her passion for spiders, to the point that I started appreciating species like Phidippus regius, those funny and ultra-sociable jumping spiders!
• Establish healthy boundaries in our relationships. For example, when I feel the need to isolate myself for a moment, I know I can trust my friends to listen to me and also to leave me alone.
• Devote more time to people who really matter. Even if you can’t see each other often, it’s so nice to receive a response, to be helped with a problem, or to get advice. It’s very satisfying, because these people trust you and don’t blame others, but find motivation within themselves.
• And above all, our best friends won’t judge us and won’t seek that social validation. Whether you’re unshaven, whether you fart, etc., the best friends don’t care at all. Simply, if they tell you “you should do something…”, it’s mainly out of love that they will tell you.

Rethinking that person I thought was a friend…

So, I’ll be direct: paths can separate. Whether it’s the good or bad times, they allow you to improve to fructify your future relationships and especially avoid very toxic relationships. I was talking earlier about the person I met in 2023. It’s true that I was getting used to the idea “yes, but she can change”, “yes, maybe I messed up somewhere”, etc.

Good news: it’s not a problem in itself. A human being changes with age and becomes aware of the things they see. But bad news arrives: it’s forbidden to feel guilty about the past. The past is there, you had these experiences; now it’s about knowing how these experiences can transform you into a super human and make relationships with others even better. It’s like the end of a chapter; you shouldn’t be afraid to start a new story taking into account your experience.

And above all, you have to let the person go. You can’t hold someone back by being ungrateful to them, by saying “it’s up to them to change”. Game Over, because it’s not up to others to change, but up to you. It’s up to you to ask yourself these questions: “Is this relationship important?”, “Did I behave like a ‘dirty’ person with this person?”, “What are my relationships with this person?” I can guarantee you that it helps and that you will advance quite quickly.

Conclusion

Social minimalism is much more than simple management of your circle of friends; it’s a fundamental approach for lasting emotional well-being. By consciously choosing quality over quantity, cultivating authentic connections, and accepting that some relationships must end, you invest in your own happiness and the richness of your life. Fewer friends on social networks doesn’t mean less happiness, but often, a profound well-being thanks to relationships that truly nourish you. Don’t be afraid to reevaluate your relationships and prioritize those that bring you joy, support, and growth.

Sources and further reading

To deepen the subject of social minimalism and healthy relationships, here are some references that might interest you:

Books:

• “Digital Minimalism: Choosing a Focused Life in a Noisy World” by Cal Newport. Although this book mainly deals with digital minimalism, it addresses relevant concepts on how to better use our time and energy, including in our social interactions. I’ll have the opportunity to come back to Digital Minimalism.
• “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie. A classic on the fundamental principles of human relationships and how to build authentic connections.

Articles and concepts:

• The concept of “Dunbar’s Number” suggests that a human being can only maintain a stable number of meaningful social relationships (about 150 people). This corroborates the idea that an intimate circle is naturally limited.
• Articles on the cognitive load of social networks and the impact of social comparison on our mental health.
• The “Slow Living” movement, which encourages reducing the pace of life to focus on what’s essential, including the quality of relationships.